Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
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Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.