I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
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Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
worst…sale…ever
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.