Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
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Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Home is where your toilet is.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.