and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
You Might Also Like
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.