Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
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If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Banderslack Clamberdorch
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry