People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
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Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback