me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
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*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
December birthdays be like…
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
o shit
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.