5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.