Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
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Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Mouse
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?