Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?