You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
You Might Also Like
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”