“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
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After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*