When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
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Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”