I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.