If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.