Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I feel seen.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity