Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
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A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
#dalle2
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything