I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
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Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.