People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.