Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
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Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
why does this building look like a guilty dog
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Planet of the Apps.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting