The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
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Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.