Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
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I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3