nothing like a slow cooked sausage
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bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Breaking news:
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Extremely relatable.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.