My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.