I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
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Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.