The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
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*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
I know
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.