Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
You Might Also Like
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
when revenge coincides with naptime
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
Nose
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning