Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?