Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
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In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me, in DM rooms…
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue