jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
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The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
What fresh Hell is this?!?
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.