Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
You Might Also Like
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.