There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
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Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend