My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
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I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Twitter fine art
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.