To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
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Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
we’re gonna need another temp
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake