Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
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99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Dolls on drugs
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?