#titanic
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*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International