[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
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Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Oh yeah that’s it
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?