Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
what
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?