The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
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Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
When ur friends with white people
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.