[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.