I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
You Might Also Like
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
The best shot in the history of golf
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE