Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
work smarter, not harder
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
seems like a niche market
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag