The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
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Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Meow
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep