Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
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normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Duck typos.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me