Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Why am I like this?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.