You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
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me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.