with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Simple enough.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”