Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.