I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
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Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Just so funny
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.