I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.